The simple truth is we can’t heal grief with cat memes, or fix heartbreak with “Good vibes!”
BY CATHERINE RENTON – DEC 14, 2020
I’m a highly anxious person, whose brain turns every minor issue into a full-blown catastrophe. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to friends rolling their eyes at my latest concern-of-the-day. But when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 58, loved ones treated it like another one of my “silly” problems. Instead of real support, I was bombarded with messages telling me to: “Think positive!”
When I tried to talk about my mom’s prognosis, my feelings were swept aside with statements like, “Everything will be OK!” and “Sending good vibes!” I know that no one really knows what to say at times like this, but I felt like I was being gaslit. The worse things in my life became, the more inane platitudes were sent my way. Friends were well-intentioned, but trying to suppress my pain with hyper-happy statements wasn’t helpful; it was toxic.
“When people use or demand positive emotions or optimism in a way that causes people to feel oppressed or disregarded, that’s toxic positivity,” Stephanie Preston, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Michigan explains. “It ranges from people actively trying to maintain their own spirits or sticking their heads in the sand, to forcefully preventing others from voicing uncomfortable concerns.” No matter how well meaning, such blind positivity can feel “repressive or invalidating to others,” Preston adds.
In a year with a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, and widespread social unrest, toxic positivity—where negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, worry, and disappointment are viewed as inherently wrong rather than just a normal part of the human experience—is rampant. “During the pandemic, we’re all struggling to deal with a situation we’ve never before experienced, and although we’re all going through it at the same time, not all of us are going through it the same way,” says Natalie Dattilo, Ph.D., Director of Psychology at Brigham and Women’s Hospital.
When Lynsey, 34, was laid off from her job of 10 years this summer, she found herself a target of toxic positivity. “I was terrified about the future, but my friends told me I should be grateful for my health, or be thankful that no one I loved had caught the virus.” She understood that even with her job loss she was still faring far better than some, but the lack of support from her friends impacted her mental health. “I got depressed and withdrew from people because I wasn’t able to talk to them without being sent ‘good vibes,’” Lynsey says. “I’m single, with no family support, and as much as I want my friends to be rooting for me, positive thoughts can’t pay my bills.” Read More